Last Saturday I was on my way to a session in South Seattle, and I got lost. Like really lost, like the way you got lost back when there was no google maps, Siri or cell phones that did more than play Snake. My phone had run out of data since I used it too much while we had been roaming in Idaho. So I had to write the directions down on a piece of paper and trust they would get me there.
But as SR 167, 405 and I-5 started to intersect I started to seriously doubt my directions. I found myself on a road where I couldn’t see the street name to confirm I was still going the right way. So I started to doubt. Letting my doubt overcome me, I turned around. But little did I know that by turning around I would be taken in so many directions that would make it more difficult to get back on track.
I started panicking. Yelling at the freeway (like it could actually hear me and would then apologize) that I accidently got stuck on and gave me no chance to turn around. I also for some reason failed to get my client’s phone number. It was the worst kind of lost and I was going to be late, I hate being late, I’m never late (unless there are 3 children in tow, of course). I finally called my husband for help. Poor guy was dealing with my worst self, crying, irrational and a short temper. The map was still up on my computer. With a lot of turning around and figuring out where I was I got there. 40 minutes late, it was mortifying…MOR-TI-FY-ING! Thankfully they were so gracious and were just glad I was okay.
The reason I’m sharing this story with you is it dawned on me what really caused me to get lost. My self doubt. Once I got myself back in the right direction I had found out I was going in the right direction all along. But, I turned around. I started to doubt I wrote the directions correctly, or that I had missed a turn off. I doubted, so I turned around, and that’s what lead to the confusion, to the panic, to the fear.
I am currently finding myself in the exact same place in my photography business. Since the beginning I had to overcome a lot of self doubt and fears to trust God was putting me in the direction he had planned for me. Every year at this same time, when school is about to begin I start to doubt, wonder if I should be teaching. But in the midst of that doubting, I think less about God’s plans and more of my fears. I think more about what other people think, other’s questioning voices that get the best of me. When I don’t receive affirmation I doubt everything I’m doing. I wonder if I’m good enough. But when I let those outside voices and questions in, the doubt takes over and I panic, I don’t sleep, I’m in constant fear that I’m letting my husband and children down. The more I doubt, the more lost I feel. And getting back on track is really hard.
While reflecting on this on Sunday I realized I AM headed in the right direction. When I trust God on this path I feel confident, I feel sure, and I feel joy. When I doubt myself I only feel more lost and confused. So figuring out how to stay off that spiral I pray, I find moments of quiet to listen, and I hang on to my husband because he believes in me more than anyone. And those voices of doubt that creep in, because they still do, I shut them up, play with my kids and snap some photos.
This summer he has also brought me to believe that he is ready, ready for exploration to be on his own. He has matured in ways I never expected. One: he got over some major toilet fears (I won’t go into detail). Two: I watched him swim in the lake like a fish, out in the deep, jumping off docks, and boats like he’d been doing it his whole life. Three: He’s overcome so many other fears, climbing things he’s been afraid to climb, sliding down slides he wouldn’t go near, learning to ride a bike and requesting to join a soccer team. He has blown my mind this summer.
