This week I got to witness my friend give birth to her baby boy. She and I have had a lot of conversations about motherhood and how, especially, with you first baby it feels like parenthood has suddenly grabbed you by the shoulders and eaten you up. There are thousands of emotions coming at you at once. First off this intense feeling of love (which takes a while for some), but there is also an intense mourning for the freedom you once had. Your time, your body, your sleep, your plans and whatever else are no longer yours. When you think you are in control of motherhood, it actually takes control of you. And their are days you want to step away, but it’s not a job you can easily quit. But at the same time you couldn’t imagine life without these little people. Where you are brought to a point where you can’t remember life without them. It almost seems as if you have known them YOUR whole life, since you yourself were a child.

I have found myself, now with 3 babies, and five and half years of parenthood, accepting the fact that I have been swallowed up, and even though it’s as hard as hell, enjoying it, loving it, accepting it. But in tha instant of accepting this life, I am quickly finding myself being forced to let go. Let them live, let them be who they are, and even send them into the world without you by their side, holding their hand.

Benjamin, my oldest, starts kindergarten in September. Once again I am filled with intense emotion. There are days I don’t think twice about it, I’m ready for him to go. He’s my kiddo who knows exactly how to push my buttons. But then I feel overwhelmed with sadness, my baby boy is growing up WAY to fast. And I know the minute they start school, life really takes off. I worry about some little jerky kid hurting his feelings and me not being there to knock them over. I don’t want to let go.

But after watching my friend birth her sweet baby boy, I realized from the minute we step into parenthood we already have to start letting go. That baby she spent months growing in her belly, has to be pushed out. And then handed over to the nurse to hold him, weigh him and give him a vitamin K shot. And you have to sit their from a far listening to their cries. There are more painful moments of letting go, like sending your four month old off to daycare for someone else to care for, making them cry it out to sleep, and putting away those baby clothes they don’t fit in anymore. Then there are all those little things you start to let go of that that you don’t even notice because you’re too busy trying to survive; putting on their own shoes, sleeping in a big kid bed, or letting them play in the backyard without your constant presence.

We are constantly letting go. These are reasons to celebrate, but it doesn’t mean it’s painless. From the minute we are parents we are holding on and letting go at the same time. It’s a strange place to be. I guess the only way to survive, is to feel the feels. Sadness, joy, anxiety , celebration, fear, and pride, it’s all there to feel, and often we feel it all at once. I’m just trying to figure out how to allow it all in and let it be.







p.s. These aren’t all of mine, but I’ve watched all of them grow up (way too fast).